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'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003
By CHAD KULTGEN
NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!
Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.
"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.
"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.
"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."
The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.
"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.
When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.
Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.
"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."
In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.
All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."
However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."
Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."
Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.
I for one believe him (after NY's consolation p3 revelation thus proving the existance of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, I'll believe anything).
Odds his timecraft is...
GEO Metro +500
Mercury Pacer +600
GMC Gremlin +800
Aztec (they just look like a time craft) +3000
I found this thing in the yahoo news pages so I thought maybe something might be true- maybe the guy had got lucky at the market or something but...
Ive been Hoaxed- heres what I just found...
"All one need know about this article is that it originated with the Weekly World News, an entertainment tabloid devoted to inventing fantastically fictitious stories while keeping its tongue firmly embedded in its cheek to a depth not measurable by any instrument known to man," it warns. "Unfortunately Yahoo!, a primary news source for many people on the internet, reprints some Weekly World News articles in their TV News section under a heading of entertainment news and gossip, a title that doesn?t convey a strong ?bogus? warning to readers who don?t notice the original source is the Weekly World News or don?t know what the Weekly World News is."
Despite this item's tabloid origins (and the fact that it was covered nowhere but in the Weekly World News), it has showed up in a variety of magazines and newspapers, reprinted verbatim as a "real" news item -- to the amusement and consternation of FBI and U.S. Security and Exchange Commission officials, who have been flooded with a rash of inquiries from journalists seeking confirmation for a bit of fiction:
The spokesman at the US Security and Exchange Commission in Washington gives a weary sigh and then a slightly strained chuckle when he hears the words "time traveller" and "inside trader".
"This story is pure fantasy. There is no truth in it at all," he says. "This is the kind of story that belongs in the same file as 'Elvis Shrine Found on Mars.'
"You know something? We have had an enormous number of calls from the media on this one. It has been absolutely amazing. Of course, we had to look into it, but as far as we know, it?s just not true."
As if this tale weren't already implausible enough on its face, the Edinburgh Evening News wryly noted:
"Even a non-time traveller could have told him that profiting from 126 consecutive high-risk trades over two weeks was sure to get him noticed," commented the Guardian.
A handful of others pointed out that any time traveller with half a brain would not bother popping back to 2003, just when the stock market is in free fall and anyone who actually makes any money at all would stick out like a 25-ft. tall green alien with two heads.
I will take the Gremlin, AMC by the way LOL, for 2 units. My perception here is that the Gremlin offers us value. It is not as obvious as a couple of the other vehicles and I might put 1 unit on a field wager as well. If the Gremlin is that God awful metallic green I will bump my wager to a strong 3 unit play.