THIS IS THE OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD!!! ADD YOUR JOKES HERE

[The Devil]

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".

The lady say's "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and
a women in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady
is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist. He looks at
the photo and says"

Oh I didn't know you had a prescription

[The Devil]

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a
bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he
stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I
said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS
a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the
beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started
saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing
them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh
my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY
GOD...OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

[sledge]

Both of them very funny Devil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img]

[sledge]

Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped
over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards
or backwards, she somehow slipped sideways and did the splits
and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her
husband Bruce.

"Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've
bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck
fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba." (his mate)

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"Let's try Plan B." said Cobba.

"Plan B?!" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the
tiles under her," replied Cobba.

"Spot on." Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here
and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits?" Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time
for that mate."< BR>
"No," Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough,
we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so
expensive."

[frog]

A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age"
holistic doctor, as a last resort.



"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't

go away."




The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is
what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the
mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this
mantra:



"I really don't have a headache...I really don't have a

headache". Do it as long as it takes, and the headache is just going to
vanish."




As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the
same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the
elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating
"I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a
headache...".



She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is

gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back
up to the doctor.




"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband?
He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... "



"When was the last time you two had sex?"

"About eight years ago."


"Send him over."




A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her
husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to
wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws
her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her. When
he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.




A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss
and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After
another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the
bathroom again.




At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She
tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and
sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers
pointed at his temples, repeating:




"That woman is not my wife,
that woman is not my wife....."

[frog]

> > > People were in their pews talking at church.
> > > > > Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the
> > > church.
> > > > >
> > > > > Everyone started screaming and running for the
> > > front entrance, trampling
> > > > > each other in a frantic effort to get away from
> > > evil incarnate.
> > > > > Soon everyone had exited the church except for
> > > one elderly gentleman who
> > > > > sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming
> > > oblivious to the fact that
> > > > >
> > > > > God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
> > > > >
> > > > > So Satan walked up to the old man and said.
> > > "Don't you know who I am?
> > > > >
> > > > > The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
> > > > >
> > > > > "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > "Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
> > > asked Satan.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old
> > > man, in an even tone.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Did you know that I could cause you profound
> > > horrifying, AGONY for all
> > > > > eternity?" persisted Satan.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Yep," was the calm reply.
> > > > >
> > > > > "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Nope," said the old man.
> > > > >
> > > > > More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,
> > > "Well, why aren't you afraid
> > > of
> > > > > me?"
> > > > >
> > > > > The man calmly replied, "Been married to your
> > > sister for 48 years.

[frog]

Jewish Malpractice Insurance
>
> An older Jewish man who needed surgery insisted that his son, a renowned
> surgeon, perform the operation. As he lay on the operating
> table about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
> "Yes Dad, what is it?"
> "Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember ... if it doesn't go
> well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going
> to come and live with you!"

[Rookies]

Man, I've got a million...

Here goes one for Hockey season...

Canadian, eh?

Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an American.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed American.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian. When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the
train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[kiwi steve]

One for the Devil!

Its the year 2050 and brain transplants are now carried out in the medical field with ease.
Bert was told that his brain had a tumour and had to be replaced and was told to come down to the brain storage to select a new one. Fortunately for Bert money was no object as the cost was very high.
The surgeon displayed the three brains to Bert and outlined a brief history and cost:
(1) The first brain was owned by a rocket scientist who was the best in his field. Graduated at 15 years of age and developed the fuel that replaced oil. Cost $250,000.
(2) The second brain was owned by a two time Noble prize winner who developed the cure for many forms of cancer as well as breaking new medical ground in many other areas. Price $500,000.
(3) The third brain was owned by a man of the name "JJ GOLD" now unfortuantely we have little info on this owner although he was known to once regually contribute to a site called Major Wager. This brain costs $1,000,000 (hair piece not included)!
"Wow" exclaimed Bert, this JJGOLD must have been a world leader, the Pope or some great scientist for a brain to be worth so much more than that of the first two. The surgeon replied "no the brain is worth that much as it was simply never used."

[The Devil]

Steve,

You have made my day..............I have the biggest grin you can imagine on my face...................

[kris]

Are you sure you want to ARGUE with CHILDREN?

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher
reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?
" The little girl replied,"Then you ask him".

[The Devil]

A man approached a very beautiful woman in
the large supermarket and said,

"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

[alm]

Perfect Mullet

[alm]

Q.*How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French?
A. I give up.

Q. *How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The French Army.

Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel?
A.* So the French government could to flee to London.

Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks?
A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!

Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q: Why do they have trees in Paris?
A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun

Q: Why is good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.

Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
A: To say "I surrender" in German

Q: Why was Jesus not born in France?
A: Because they couldn?t find three wise men or a virgin.

Q: Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?
A: They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks...they are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.

Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried?
A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.

[kris]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's

birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she grabs one and

goes over to the counter and A Wal-Mart associate is standing there with dark shades on.

She says, Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says,

"Ma-am I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell

you everything that you need to know about it from the sound it makes."She

doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with Zebco 404 reel and

10lb test line...It's a good all round combination and it's on sale this

week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all of that just by the

sound of it dropping on the counter; I'll take it."

The woman opens her purse and sees her credit card holder drop on

the floor. As she bends down to pick it up she accidentally passes gas. At

first she is really embarrassed, but then concludes there is no way he could tell it

was she that passed gas. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only

person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and says, "Didn't you tell me

it was on special for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma-am, the rod and reel is $20.00; the duck call

is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50."

[The Devil]

CNN Bulletin

This morning, from a secret cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action
against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of
convenience store managers

[Sevrin]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for three years, and we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my
friends encouraged me, and my fiancee? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to
be.She was a smart, confident career woman, but most of all she was
unbelievably sexy. She often openly flirted with me, which piqued my
curiosity and made me quite uncomfortable at the same time.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to review the wedding
invitations. When I got there, I realized she was alone. As we looked at
the invitations, she whispered in my ear: "Soon you will be married, but
you
must know that I have feelings for you that I can
no longer ignore. Before you commit your life to my daughter, please make
love to me just once". I was in total shock .... what could I say?

As I sat there dumbfounded she said: "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you
share my yearnings, just come up and take me." Still dazed, I watched her
magnificent form as she wisped up the stairs. I stood there for a moment,
unsure of what to do, and then turned around and went to the front door.

Slowly, I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Amazingly, her
husband was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and
said: "We are so happy. You have passed our little test. We couldn't
have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

I will never forget the day I earned the trust of my in-laws, nor the
valuable life lesson I learned on the front steps of my wife's childhood
home............... always, always, always, keep your condoms in your car.

[kris]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
Absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who in the heck was that?" "Oh," replies
the husband, "She's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscan! And, no more Mercedes or
Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." The
wife starts thinking.
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his
arm. "Who is that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies

[Scott Landau]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which one
to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a
present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with
the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy
beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys
several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the
man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much. The
man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She
gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for
his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she
presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She
earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his
$5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for
a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.




Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.