THIS IS THE OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD!!! ADD YOUR JOKES HERE

[6Pack]

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

[Tiger]

The Best Lover

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a spectacular gorgeous woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As if his prayers were answered, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was this most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"It's Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"

[Beammer]

[Beammer]

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger d... than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

[Retired]

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.

"If you're going to tell me that grown ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

[Roxy]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

[The Devil]

An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly
> >
> > acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a
> >
> > "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one. He then asked the
> >
> > Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland ?"
> >
> >
> > "We call it hitting 3."

[Retired]

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, an resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

[Phreak]

Why not French?

An officer in the Marine Corps was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.

He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you having to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to speak German."

The group became silent.

[6Pack]

3 Wishes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

"6PACK IS ON THE ATTACK"

[Griff]

Mike Tyson's Computer

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.

[Marsellus]

[Marsellus]

[The Devil]

Some funny stuff here............come on in.........

[Axelp]

Fast Thinkers

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub."
__________________________________________________ _____

Let's go for stupid

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
__________________________________________________ ____


Caught for speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without
a ticket.
__________________________________________________ ____

Stuck under a bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are
backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The officer gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran
out of gas."
__________________________________________________ _____

Drunk?

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb
and one foot in the gutter.

A police officer pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir.
You're obviously drunk".

The wasted wino asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a
cripple."

__________________________________________________ _____

Too Late

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and
walked home.

As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A. M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the officer asked.

"My wife," said the man.

[Beammer]

[Beammer]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

[Roxy]

A man and woman are driving...

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

[Louis Cypher]

A Brit an Italian an American and an Iraqi war orphan find themselves adrift on a life boat. As the days go by it becomes obvious that there is only enough food and water left for 3 of them, if any, to survive. Seizing the moment the noble Britt with a stiff upper lip proclaims, "god bless Britannia" and throws himself to the sharks so that the others may survive. A day later the never to be upstaged American heeds the call saying God bless America and throws himself too out of the boat. Seeing he was now alone with the small scared child the Frenchmen proclaims Viva La France and without hesitation tosses the small boy out of the boat.

LC