THIS IS THE OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD!!! ADD YOUR JOKES HERE

[Marsellus]

3 men standing in front of God

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"

[6Pack]

A Flaky Blonde

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''


"6 pack is on the attack"

[Scott Landau]

Usually the "smartass" is a Japanese kid, but here's an update of an old joke:

It was the first day of school and a new student named
Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who
said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces,
except for Martinez, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775.""Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by
the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said
Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than
you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she
demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher
glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"Martinez jumps
out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,"Bill
Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997! Now with almost a mob hysteria
someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill
you."Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit
Chandra Levy
2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the
floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"
Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

[Scott Landau]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in
his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
> >
> > He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
> > When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
> > himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light
on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the
stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
> >
> > Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
> > source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
> >
> > Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
> >
> > "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
> > you."
> >
> > The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?
> >
> > Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind
of
> > people would name a bird Moses?"
> >
> > The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

[Scott Landau]

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. The shop couldn't repair it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take the short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[The Devil]

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
> the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow
> and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
> healthy lives.
>
>
> Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy
> Creme Donuts.
>
>
> And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said "Yea," and
> Woman said, "and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds
>
>
> And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure
> that man found so fair.
>
>
> And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the
> cane and combined them. And woman went from size 6 to size 14.
>
>
> So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
>
>
> And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the
> side.
> And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
>
>
> God than said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
> in which to cook them."
>
>
> And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big
> it needed it's own platter. And man gained more weight and his
> cholesterol went through the roof.
>
>
> God then brought running shoes so that his children might loose those
> extra pounds.
>
>
> And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to
> toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before
> the flickering light and gained pounds.
>
>
> Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
> with nutrition.
>
>
> And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
> into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained pounds.
>
>
> God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and
> still satisfy his appetite.
>
>
> And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then
> said "You want fries with that?" and man replied, "Yea ! and super size
> 'em." And Satan said "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.
>
>
> God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
>
>
> Then Satan created HMOs.

[The Devil]

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."

[The Devil]

Four retired guys are walking down a street near The Villages. They turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar " ..." ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS ! ".

They look at each other, then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they should not judge the 'book by its cover.' The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each , please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, ... ...."That's 40 more cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are Snowbirds. They're waiting for happy hour."

[hamneggs]

Two lesbians walk into a whorehouse and ask for a 15 year old girl

Mistress says "Sorry we don't serve minors to lickers."

[Beammer]

True Football Fan

Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".
I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."

"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.

He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."

[Roxy]

A Fisherman's Tale

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

[kris]

Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided they should go to college so they could get ahead.

Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.

"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor.

"Do you own a weed-eater?"

"Sure do," the redneck responded.

"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard," the professor went on.

"That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.

"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"

"GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.

"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife. Right?"

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on now.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual rather than homosexual. Is that right?"

"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic
class!"

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"? Cooter asks.

"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.

"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you own a weed-eater?"

"No." says Cooter.

"You're Queer, aintcha?"

[kiwi steve]

A Firemans in the station, when he sees a little girl across the road, with a nice new fire truck, so he wanders over to say hi. When he gets there, he sees the truck has a little hose, ladders, and the girl also has a cat and a dog who are attached to the truck on a couple of leashes. He says, "thats a real nice fire engine you have" - he has a closer look, and sees the dogs leash goes to his collar, but the cats leash is tied around his testicles !!! - so he says to the little girl, " Listen, I think if you put the cats leash onto his collar as well, they could make the Fire engine could go alot faster" ... the little girl looks at him slyly and says "well, maybe, but then I wouldn't have a %#@*ing Siren would I !!! "

[kiwi steve]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair,
and loved to charge around the nursing home,
taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors.


Because the poor woman was one sandwich short
of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her,
and some of the males actually joined in.


One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when
a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with
his arm outstretched.


"STOP!", he shouted in firm voice.


"Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out
a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one
wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her
and shouted,

"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink
coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and
said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the
front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of
her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection
in his hand.

"Oh, Good grief," said Ethel, "Not the
breathalyzer again!"

[The Devil]

Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all
week long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he
couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within
himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You
aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't be the last. And you are single. Let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality:
"Bob, you're a veterinarian........"

[Griff]

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

[Marsellus]

[Marsellus]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

[Whale]