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05-19-2003, 05:03 AM
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 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A LOT OF BLONDE JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A: Because she blows the horn. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: Because she's been laid all over the country. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard? A: Grade 4. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? A: They both drip when they're f'd. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A: Locking the car door. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test? A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes have periods? A: They deserve them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period? A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"? A: She liked to be filled with cream. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A: One's a bunch a cunning runts. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet? A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says, "Are you done already?" The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. 40 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!? A2: I don't know. A3: Neither did she. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How can you tell that a blondes having a bad day. A. She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men. A: Their heels. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is foreplay for a blonde? A: Thirty minutes of begging. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone. A2: Only one person can use the phone at once. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? A: Her feet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist? A: Marriage. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan? A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde? A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? A: Lipstick. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons? A: From dating blonde men. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? A: An air mattress. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes? A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces herself. A2: Walks home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York? A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blondes date? A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice tits" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? A: To keep her ankles warm. A2: To keep her neck warm -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde look like after sex? A: I don't know I am already gone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does an airplane and a blonde have in common? A: They both have a cockpit -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A: Way to go team. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp? A: They both get licked, stuck, and then sent on their way. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun? A: Give her a cock and she's ready to blow. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes? A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter, and they don't mind if you bring friends. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are blondes like TVs? A: Any three year old can turn them on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's one thing everybody sees in a blonde? A: A dick. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast? A: The Atlantic Coast has fewer crabs. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom? A: Adjust the steering wheel. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde use for protection during sex? A: A bus shelter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's? A: A blonde serves more people in a night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean? A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in her ear. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does it work? A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll? A: About 2 cans of hair spray. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a blondes favourite rock group? A: Air Supply. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A1: So brunettes can remember them. A2: Because blondes are so shallow, a long joke wouldn't fit. A3: So men can understand them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A: The Air Pump. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold? A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head? A: A Space Invader. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes? A: The back of her head. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes drive VW's? A: Because they can't spell Porsche. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home. 48 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A1: A golden retriever. A2: A labrador. A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide and seek champ. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An air bag. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican? A: Retardo. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you plant dope? A: Bury a blonde. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How does a blonde get pregnant? A: And I thought blondes were dumb. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for french fries. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde kill her toy poodle? A: Trying to put batteries in it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Someone asked if a blonde believed in smoking. A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a policehorse? A: So she won't shit on the street during a parade. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Hide her hairbrush. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a brunette's mating call? A: Has that blonde gone yet? A2: When is that blonde going to leave? A3: "All the blondes have gone home" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A: A thought. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's brown and red and black and blue? A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A1: Because they don't know any better. A2: They are easier to keep amused. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A wine cellar. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you drown a blonde? A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2: Don't tell her to swallow. A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered.  |
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05-19-2003, 05:08 AM
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| DEAD FISH Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your friggin' cat." |
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05-19-2003, 05:10 AM
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| -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Personal Ad -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman took an ad out in the personals:SWF looking for a male that won't beat, run away, and can have sex all night long. After a few weeks she heard nothing. One day she heard a knock on the door and she answered. She saw a gentleman in a wheelchair. She says "Sir can I help you? he replied, "I have come to answer your ad. She says, "Sir, you have no arms or legs". he replies, "yes, i have no arms so I can't beat you, I have no legs so I can't run away,but sir she says,"What about doing it all night long?" He says, How do you think I knocked on the door?" |
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05-19-2003, 11:27 PM
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| Subject: How to prolong sex An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to relieve himself sexually. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago. |
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05-20-2003, 08:49 PM
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| Question: What is the truest demonstration of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this is sent to you by a Canadian, using American Bill Gates' technology. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you. That, my friend, is Globalization... [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif[/img] |
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05-20-2003, 11:38 PM
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| The Bottom Line A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon. All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?" The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips." The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?" Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them." |
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05-20-2003, 11:41 PM
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| A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers." she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes." |
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05-21-2003, 07:18 AM
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| This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug) , which came in a little white box. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me? A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fukking shoes." |
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05-21-2003, 07:44 PM
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| What Are Politics? A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?" His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that." So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now." "You do? Tell me." "OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!" |
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05-21-2003, 09:53 PM
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| There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you havebeen given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." "Would you care to do it again?" He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. "This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head." |
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05-21-2003, 09:55 PM
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| Oldie but Goodie! A young man moved into his new apartment in the city. On his way to the mailboxes in the lobby, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone cumming? That was me." |
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05-21-2003, 09:56 PM
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| Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Look, I've got three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny and potent all night?" The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings up a box labeled 'Viagra Extra Strength' containing single wrapped packets. He says, "Take one of these and you'll go crazy for 12 hours." Crazy Mike replies, "Hell, gimme three" The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and asks, "Well, how'd it go?" In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his penis that's black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights the pharmacist had ever seen. Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies in horror. "You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?" Mike replies, "Hell, no, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up." |
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05-22-2003, 12:11 AM
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| $500 Porsche A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house. "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?" "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money." |
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05-22-2003, 12:57 AM
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| 12- Pack A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....'' |
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05-23-2003, 06:37 PM
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| >A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman >sitting on a bar stool. > >He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?" > >Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him >straight in the eyes and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, >anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter." > >He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with." > > |
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