THIS IS THE OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD!!! ADD YOUR JOKES HERE - Page 27

KoolPappy · 08-27-2008, 11:26 AM

Let the games begin!

God asks Mark Richt first: "What do you believe?"
Mark thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my team."
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Richt, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Tommy Tubberville and says, "What do you believe?"
Tommy says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage, and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields."
God is greatly moved by Tommy's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Nick Saban: "And you, Nick, what do you believe?"
Nick replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

John.guzman · 08-28-2008, 09:46 AM

I'm guessing you don' like the Fench?? lololol

StarnetGypsy · 01-04-2009, 07:24 PM

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and
developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the
temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked
his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most
exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned
on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he
offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they
wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on
the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no
way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4
million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi , and Max on
the controls.

So, now you know

Bostongambler · 01-04-2009, 07:37 PM

LOL...

I had a dream last night that I was a Muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

StarnetGypsy · 01-04-2009, 09:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bostongambler

LOL...

I had a dream last night that I was a Muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

booooo

Minnow · 01-08-2009, 04:27 PM

A man gets on a train and sits next to a young woman reading a book called 'Sex Statistics'. "Any good?", he asks. "Fascinating - American Indians have the widest penises, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, I'm Karen." "Hi," he says. "I'm Tonto Palawlaski."

jangler3 · 02-19-2009, 08:43 AM

Cardiologist Funeral

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.......I'm a Gynecologist.'

The Proctologist fainted!

StarnetGypsy · 04-07-2009, 01:46 PM

heheh, good one Minnow

- - - - -

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes thru the swinging'doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar .....

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker ... "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile ... "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar and says ... "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, ... "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs ... "why yes" ... "yes, I sure am."

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly ... "well, wash your hands real good, would'ja ... because I want a cheeseburger."

Fuzzyxlogikk · 04-07-2009, 10:02 PM

what no mayonnaise, always been a mustard guy myself, what do u call cheese thats not yours.........nacho chesse, that one was for bg, he will be telling that one to all his friends at the bar tonight

StarnetGypsy · 04-07-2009, 10:14 PM

nacho cheese is right. people take cheese very seriously in New Mexico. it was a big day for us when they passed out the gubment cheese at the town hall each month. everyone from 25/miles around would show up. was a good way to visit with people you hadn't seen in awhile

Hartley · 04-07-2009, 10:47 PM

Starnet that joke about hi Lo Norm Hi Max reminds me of a joke.

An old jewish string salesman goes up to the head of a major department store and asks if he would like to buy string from him. The department store head is a real anti-semite so he replies "sure I'll buy string from you, but only the length from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."
The Jewish guy thanks him and leaves.

The next day when the department store head comes in he sees 2 large trucks coming in full of string. Angrily he calls the Jewish guy and says "hey I told you I'd only buy string the length from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."

"I know," the Jewish guy answers "and the tip of my nose is here while the tip of my penis is someplace in Poland."

rjordan1979 · 04-08-2009, 06:22 PM

hahahahahahahahahahaha

Soonerfan64 · 04-20-2009, 07:34 PM

An Irishman went to confession.

"Father", he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession.

I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon, another Irishman entered the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've been having sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.

"Very well", sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."

At mass the next morning as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short and she was wearing matching, shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart ...just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The embarrassed Alter Boy simply replied, "I believe that is just the reflection from her shoes Father".

Soonerfan64 · 05-10-2009, 05:51 PM

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting "13! 13! 13!"

The fence was too high to see over . . . but I saw a little gap in the fence and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting "14! 14! 14!......"

jimike · 05-12-2009, 04:56 AM

Q- Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? A- BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE MIGHT GET A HOLE IN ONE. ---- Q- What did the Zero say to the Eight ? A- NICE BELT.

jimike · 05-12-2009, 05:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimike

Q- Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? A- BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE MIGHT GET A HOLE IN ONE. ---- Q- What did the Zero say to the Eight ? A- NICE BELT.

some pg 13 ones there, case your audience is ten year olds who might not the ones about anal sex and strippers etc..
t

Minnow · 05-16-2009, 03:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soonerfan64

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting "13! 13! 13!"

The fence was too high to see over . . . but I saw a little gap in the fence and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting "14! 14! 14!......"

LMFAO

Myron · 06-30-2009, 10:01 PM

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

StrangerDanger · 07-28-2009, 03:37 AM

I got one
A vampire bat covered in blood landed on a rooftop to get some sleep.Then others started to smell him and asked him where'd he find that blood.He told them he was to tired but they persuaded him to."Ok follow me"he said as he flew off with millions of bats flying after him."You see that tree?"he said."Yes,Yes,Yes!"said all the other bats. "Good"said the bat,"Cause I sure as hell didn't!"