THIS IS THE OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD!!! ADD YOUR JOKES HERE

[ovrund]

thanks....loved it

[lawrence]

Did you hear about the deformed dwarf?













He was six feet two!!!!

[StarnetGypsy]

boooo

[ovrund]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.


For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

[StarnetGypsy]

Originally Posted by ovrund

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

[Iamnowhere]

A boy comes home from school and tells his father he has to do a report on the vagina for Sex Ed. class. He asks his dad for help.
"Dad, have you ever seen a vagina? What's it look like?"
Dad answers: "before or after sex?" The kid thinks a sec and says " Before, I guess." Dad replies "Think of the most beautiful flower that you can imagine. That's what the vagina looks like before sex." After a moment the kid asks "Okay, how about after sex?" Dad leans back in his chair and tells the boy "Picture a Pitbull with a mouth full of mayonaise"

[ovrund]

Nine words women use...

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this
means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This
means something, and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't
Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a
non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for
the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous
statements a women can make to a man. That's okay
means she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question,
or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F*@K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has
told a man to do several times, but is now doing it
herself. This will later result in a man asking
'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.


Send this to the men you know, to warn them about
arguments they can avoid if they remember the
terminology.

Send this to all the women you know to give them a
good laugh, cause they know it's true.

[ovrund]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"Ninety!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

[ovrund]

Hot Nipples
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

[ovrund]

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?

[ovrund]

Horny Parrots
The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"

"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

[ovrund]

t the Vet
A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150.00."

[ovrund]

Mental Hospital
Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

[ovrund]

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

[ovrund]

CHEATING WIFE

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch
her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the
naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Hummer I bought for
you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your New York
Giant's season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for
our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby replied, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches
a cold."

[ovrund]

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

[StarnetGypsy]

Originally Posted by ovrund

The cabby replied, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches
a cold."

lol .. prettymuch

if you like Louis Black, OU, you'll love this one on Creationism

Back in Black - Evolution, Schmevolution | The Daily Show | Comedy Central

[ovrund]

thanks SG....great, and I do like Lewis Black

[kris]

sorry guys, but this one has to be posted again. frank wins for the best joke, absolutely hilarious.

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two
prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that,
from the next room, he hears his little friend
shouting out cries of
"Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
I couldn't even get on the fuking bed."