THIS IS THE OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD!!! ADD YOUR JOKES HERE

[Scott Landau]

The Voodoo Dick

There was this business man who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was the flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd do something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't so much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing throughout the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon tell me! I need something!"

Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick'."

"So what's up with the voodoo dick?",he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The business man laughed and said "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to the door and said "Voodoo Dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of the box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo Dick, get back in the box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quietly once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered for $700 dollars in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife became unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willing satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said,"Voodoo dick, My pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she had had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to turn it off.

So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm almost made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.... Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[Scott Landau]

> A few minutes before the church services started, the towns-people
> were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at
> the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for
> the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
> away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except
> for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
> seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his
> presence.
> So Satan walked up to the old man and said; "Don't you know who I am?"
>
> The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
>
> "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
>
> "Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
>
> "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
>
> "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
>
> "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for
> all eternity?" persisted Satan.
>
> "Yep," was the calm reply.
>
> "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
>
> "Nope," said the old man.
>
> More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
> afraid of me?"
>
> The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[THUMPER]

what's green and has one wheel?

grass, I was lying about the wheel.

how do you catch a rabbit?

hide in the bushes and make a sound like a carrot.

[Scott Landau]

NURSING HOME FUN


Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short
of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males
actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!", he shouted in a firm voice. Have you got a license for that
thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and
held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped
out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to
him.

Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

Oh, Good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

[The Devil]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite
chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick,
bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another
beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a
beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer
before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz
in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello
to me and then expect me to run around like your
slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and
wash and iron all day long?"


The husband sighed. "It's started!"

[Phreak]

THE BROTHEL ...
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie" the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else." said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred-dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.

Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know", the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is: Some things in life are certain:

1. Taxes
2. Death
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[6Pack]

Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped
over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards
or backwards, she somehow slipped sideways and did the splits
and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her
husband Bruce.

"Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've
bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck
fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba." (his mate)

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"Let's try Plan B." said Cobba.

"Plan B?!" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the
tiles under her," replied Cobba.

"Spot on." Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here
and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits?" Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time
for that mate."
"No," Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough,
we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so
expensive."

"6pack is on the attack"

[Beammer]

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.

"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,

"Are my test results back?"

[Beammer]

A Natural Blind

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

[Scott Landau]

A CRUSTY OLD MARINE CORPS COLONEL FOUND HIMSELF AT A GALA EVENT DOWNTOWN, HOSTED BY A LOCAL LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE.


THERE WAS NO SHORTAGE OF EXTREMELY YOUNG, IDEALISTIC LADIES IN ATTENDANCE; ONE OF WHOM APPROACHED THE COLONEL FOR CONVERSATION.

"EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOU SEEM TO BE A VERY SERIOUS MAN.
ARE YOU THIS WAY ALL THE TIME, OR IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?"

"NO," THE COLONEL SAID, "JUST SERIOUS BY NATURE!"

THE YOUNG LADY LOOKED AT HIS AWARDS AND DECORATIONS, AND SAID, "IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE SEEN A LOT OF ACTION."

THE COLONEL'S SHORT REPLY WAS, "YES, A LOT OF ACTION."

THE YOUNG LADY, TIRING OF TRYING TO START UP A CONVERSATION, SAID: "YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE.....RELAX AND ENJOY YOURSELF."

THE COLONEL JUST STARED AT HER IN HIS SERIOUS MANNER.

FINALLY THE YOUNG LADY SAID, "YOU KNOW, I HOPE YOU DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD SEX?"

THE COLONEL LOOKED AT HER AND REPLIED, "1955."

SHE SAID, "WELL THERE YOU GO, YOU REALLY NEED TO CHILL OUT AND QUIT TAKING EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY.
I MEAN, NO SEX SINCE 1955, ISN'T THAT A LITTLE EXTREME?"

THE COLONEL, GLANCING AT HIS WATCH, SAID IN HIS MATTER-OF-FACT VOICE, "OH, I DON'T KNOW,

















IT'S ONLY 2130 NOW."

[doddster98]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with.."a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[Roxy]

Understanding Marketing

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends' approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

[kris]

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date

with a very sheer blouse on and no bra. Her

grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her

not to dare go out like that!


The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are

modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and

out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the

grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The

teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother

that she has friends coming over and that it is just

not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you

can show off your rose buds, then I can display my

hanging baskets."

[Frank]

Nursery Rhymes before they were rewritten for the book.

JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill
Forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

LITTLE MISS MUFFET sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It had not been the spider,
That crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb ass!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses,
And all the kings men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed,
To see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very good.
But when she was bad,
She got a fur coat, jewels, Waterfront condo, and a
sports car.

[Frank]

New Dictionary

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need... = I want.

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = I need to complain

7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to

8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive

15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
TV

18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not
going to like

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question

8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex
with you

13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you
within the next 3 mins

14.! Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and then I'd like to have sex with you.

15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[Frank]

Why is a woman like KFC?
......Because after that succulent breast and tender thighs all your left with is a greasy box to put your bone in!!!!!

[FENWAY]

DUMB BLONDE JOKE
-------------------------------------
A Blonde, Brunette and Red head were taken prisoners by the Iraqies instead of executing them they told them that they would let them go in the middle of the desert and if they could make it 200 miles back to the USA/Allied side of the desert that they would live. The Iraqies also told them they would allow each of them one item to take with them in their journey.

So the next day they took the Red head to the middle of the desert and ask her what item she wished to take with her, She said a canteen of water that she thought if she took a sip of water every 20 miles or so she could avoid getting dehydrated and make it back to the US/Allied side alive. So they gave her a canteen of water and off she went and they later found out she made it back safely.

The next day they took the Brunette to the middle of the desert and ask her what item she wished to take with her, She said a Unbrella that she thought if she avoided the hot sun beaming on her by shading herself with the unbrella that she could make it back to the US/Allied side alive. So they gave her the unbrella and off she went and they later found out she made it back safely.

The next day they take the Blonde to the middle of the desert and ask her what Item she wished to take with her, She said a car door the Iraqies look confused scracthing their heads, however they gave her a car door and she started walking through the desert holding the car door.

The Iraqie general could not stand it any longer and ran toward her and ask her why in the heck do you want to carry that car door through the hot desert. The blonde turn towards him and look puzzled why he would ask such a question and said.

"When the desert heat starts getting really really hot I can roll down the window and cool off"

The dumb blonde is still missing in action at last report

[Scott Landau]

Dog Funeral

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog
for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying'
a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down
the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll
do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

[buddah boy]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not another one!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.
After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the

bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes
absolutly quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "
Before
you tell that joke, you should know
something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall,

200lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.

What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a
weightlifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde and shes a pro wrestler. Think about it
seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy thinks for a

moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."