THIS IS THE OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD!!! ADD YOUR JOKES HERE

[kris]

Breasts and Christmas Trees

A family is setting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a
personal question? The father said, "Ask away."

The young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Can I ask a personal question? Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well,
daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is
like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes," said the mother, "all dried up and the balls are just for decoration."

[The Devil]

A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1, 000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, 'I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.'

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: 'First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.'

[kris]

Devil thats freaking hilarious buddy, Thanx for the good laugh!!!!

[The Devil]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
> > > room, waiting for the
> > > doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The
> > > doctor arrived, examined the
> > > baby, checked his weight, and being a little
> > > concerned, asked if the baby was
> > > breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied.
> > > "Well, strip down to your
> > > waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her
> > > nipples, then pressed,
> > > kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a
> > > detailed examination. Motioning
> > > to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby
> > > is underweight, you don't
> > > have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his
> > > Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
> > >

[kris]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says "Hi. I want you to know that I hate drawing welfare and I'd really rather have a job."
The man behind the welfare desk says, "Well, your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bull sh*tting me."
The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[The Devil]

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every work out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to do to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even
ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[The Devil]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,

"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[kris]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there,
sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Johnnie Walker]

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

* * * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy >everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[The Devil]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, " You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. " It represents a candle, " he said.

" You may pass through the pearly gates ," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" .. Saint Peter said, "You
may pass through the pearly gates. "

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

[mlp2512]

A husband and wife anxious to master the game of golf enrolled in lessons at the nearby club. Arriving to the course that day, the pro met them out front and explained that for the sake of learning, he only operated on a one-to-one basis with his students. They agreed, and the husband went first with the pro up to the practice range. Upon arrival, the pro tossed a ball down and said "if I am going to help you, I need to see what I am working with, go ahead and take a swing". The guy reared back and swung sending the little white ball rolling off to the side. The pro, standing back estudiously said "I see your problem....you are gripping the club to tightly. A little trick that might help you when you grip the club is to think of it as your wives breasts, that way you will relax a little and not hold so tightly" The man, a little indignant that another man would mention his wives body in such a way, decided what the heck and gave it a shot, to his delight a perfect stroke, 250 down the middle.

The wife then approached the practice surface to which the same routine was applied. "Let me see your swing" the pro instructed. The wife reared back and had at it sending the ball rolling off to the left. The pro stood back and said "You have the same problem as your husband, you are gripping the club too tightly" and with a bit of a red face continued " A trick that might help you is when you grip the club to think of it as your husbands penis, that way you will relax a little and not hold so tightly" The woman, also a bit embarrassed decided that she would give it a try. The pro placed anothe ball down, the woman thought for a bit then swung without even getting close to hitting the ball. The pro, stood back and in a calm and cool voice said "That is very good Mrs. Anderson, but next time before you swing, try taking the club out of your mouth......"

[mlp2512]

A bus full of nuns veered off the road on way to the convent and all were instantly killed. Upon arrival in heaven, they were met by St. Peter.

"Welcome Sister Margaret to heaven!! But before you can enter, I must ask you, has any part of you body ever come into contact with the male reproductive member?"

The sister, a bit hesitant, answered "Well yes, when i was young I was a bit curious, but it was only with my little finger."

"Ok, go wash your finger off in the holy water and you may enter. And you Sister Ann, has any part of your body come into contact with the male reproductive member?"

Sister Ann responds, "Well, I didn't covnert until I had already had a boyfriend, and by that time my entire hand had been in contact with his member"

"Ok, please go wash your hand off in the holy water and you may enter.

All of a sudden, a large commotion was heard at toward the end of the line as Sister Renee had barged her way to the front of the line.

"Sister Renee!!!" exclaimed St. Peter "We have plenty of time here and there is no need to rush"

Sister Renee calmy replied "I know, but if I am going to have to gargle with that holy water I sure as hell want to do it before Sister Mary has to wash her ass out"

[gradysfalcon]

Dad "Handles" The Kids at Thanksgiving!
A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.

The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hampton and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this."

She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees, "All right."

He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?

[kris]

There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a
hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They
worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the
effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a
three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

[Grandfather]

Some are never happy NO MATTER WHAT you try

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't
know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a
costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg
and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives
another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden
leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another
nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note,
which reads:

Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses
over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel
apple.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

[doddster98]

George W Bush met The Queen, and he turned to her for advice "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom".

"I'm sorry Mr Bush" the Queen replied "but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

"Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush". replied the Queen

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little p*s*ed off by now replied "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor".

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country"

[Bobby C]

But he's not a count. [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif[/img]

[The Devil]

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing "What a friend we have in Jesus". Then we all go to the Bahamas

[The Devil]

A man is like a pack of cards.
>
>You need a heart to love him,
>A diamond to marry him,
>A club to smash his head in
>And a spade to bury the bastard