THIS IS THE OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD!!! ADD YOUR JOKES HERE

[Roxy]

Biting

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

[kris]

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?".

"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.

[Minnow]

This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror.

She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he pulls away and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.

The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.

He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed.

The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

[gradysfalcon]

Flowers

One Friday, two women were sitting an talking. Then one woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.


"Here comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air."


"Don't you have a vase," her friend promptly replied.

[gradysfalcon]

Obsession

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[Griff]

Playing Doctor

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

[gradysfalcon]

More Q & A - The Female Perspective

Q. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.


Q. What does it mean when a man is gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't nhold the pillow down long enough.


Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.


Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.


Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."

[Hartley]

A boy has been dating a girl for several months and her family likes him. Realizing that the relationship could become serious the father pulls the boy aside and says to him
"Listen Joe I really like and respect you. And for that reason there's something you need to know about Lisa just in case you ever decide to settle down. Lisa's got acute angina."

"I know," Joe answers. "She also has nice tits."

[Hartley]

A guy starts having incredible headaches and goes to the doctor. The doctor is treating him for months but just can't seem to cure him. After a while the doctor levels with him.
"Listen I don't know what's causing your headaches or how to stop them but we have noticed lately that there is one procedure that seems to work well for men like you but it is quite severe."
"What's that doc," the guy asks "anything is better than this constant migraine."
"Castration," the doctor replies.
The guy is shocked and says "No I can't do that doc, I'll have to live with the headaches."
But after 3 more months of this the guy can't take it any more and decides to get the procedure done.

Immediately the guys headaches go away, but he obviously feels less of a man and is really depressed.
"Listen," the doctor says, "why don't you go to the store and buy something for yourself. Start life afresh."
The guy agrees and decides to get himself a new wardrobe. He heads to his local men's clothing store and says to the salesman
"I'd like a new good quality black suit please."
"Yes sir," the tailor replies. "One blue Hugo Boss suit size 42 jacket, 36 pants coming up."
"How did you know that?" the guy says
"I've been selling suits for 20 years," the salesman replies, "it's my job to know."
"Do you have shirts," the guy asks?
"Yep, 1 size 16 1/2 white Hathaway coming up," the tailor says.
"Amazing the man answers."
"Do you have any good black shoes?"
"Absolutely," the salesman replies. "One pair of Ballys coming up."
"How about bvds," the man asks.
"As a matter of fact we do." the salesman says. "I'll get a pack of large bvds for you right away.
"AHA!" the man answers, "you finally made a mistake. I wear medium underwear and have been ever since I took off a lot of weight about a year ago."
The salesman looks at him in shock and says. "Oh no, with your size waist you can't wear medium underwear. It'll squeeze your testicles and give you incredible headaches."

[gradysfalcon]

The Bribe

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.


The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.


When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.


"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

[Hartley]

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

[Frank]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two
prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that,
from the next room, he hears his little friend
shouting out cries of
"Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
I couldn't even get on the fuking bed."

[gradysfalcon]

Modern Times

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on - no bra. Her grandmother throws a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.


"Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" the granddaughter resonds, and then out she goes.


The next day the granddaughter comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate to sit there half-naked.


"Loosen up, sweetie," her grandmother replies. "If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets!"

[Bobby C]

That one about the two midgets was great! I told it 100 times at work tonight, and everybody loved it.

[gradysfalcon]

The Pharmacy

A woman walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.
"What do you want with arsenic?" asks the pharmacist.
"I want to kill my husband because he's cheating on me by having sex with another woman," the lady resplies.
"I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady, even if he is having sex with another woman," the pharmacist says.
The woman then reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
"Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription," the pharmacist replies.

[The Devil]

Grady, I see your last joke is the start up joke for this thread........

[gradysfalcon]

my bad devil ......
Understanding Bar Talk

1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)


2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end... beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)


3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)


4. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)


5. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
(I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

[gradysfalcon]

Naming the Dogs

A woman was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.


The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.


"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" said her friend.


"Hellooooo," answered the blonde, "they're watch dogs!"

[gradysfalcon]

Politically Correct In 2003
(How to speak about women and be politically correct.)
1. She is not a Babe or a Chick -- She is a Breasted American.
2. She is not a Screamer or Moaner -- She is Vocally Appreciative.
3. She is not Easy -- She is Horizontally Accessible.
4. She is not Dumb -- She is a Detour Off The Information Superhighway.
5. She has not Been Around -- She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion