THIS IS THE OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD!!! ADD YOUR JOKES HERE - Page 12

The Devil · 08-06-2003, 01:59 PM

Subject: Italian pride

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and
after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So ... you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.

The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No." Stunned, but darned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the
woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly,and asks again, "You finish!?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian!"

Frank · 08-07-2003, 08:52 PM

This elderly lady is a widow two times, and she decides to get married again, on the wedding night she shows in church dress in white, the preacher comes over and said, excuse me but what are you doing? She replies Preacher I came to get married, he said, don't you know that only virgins are supposed to dress in white in their wedding night? She responds, but preacher I'm still a virgin, I married you two times in this church before how can you tell me that you are still a virgin. She said I'm and I can proved it, look at it this way my first husband was a Gynecologist all he wanted was to look at it
My second husband was a stamp collector; boy do I miss that guy.

gradysfalcon · 08-09-2003, 06:52 PM

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. How do al-Qaeda members practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the goats that kick.

Frank · 08-09-2003, 08:37 PM

>A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back
>and inform the other of the afterlife. The biggest fear was that
>there was no heaven.
>
>After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his
>word, he made contact.
>
>"Rose... Rose...."
>
>"Is that you, Douglas?"
>
>"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
>
>"What's it like?"
>
>"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast,
>I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch,
>then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until
>late at night. The next day it starts again."
>
>"Oh, Douglas, you surely must be in heaven."
>
>"Not exactly. I'm a rabbit in Nebraska"

gradysfalcon · 08-12-2003, 07:11 PM

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and calls his grandson to his
bed.

"Grandson, I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my
chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But, grandpa," said the grandson, "I really don't like guns, how
about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lisina me, soma day you goina be runna da bussiness, you
goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a
couple of bambino.

Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with
another man. What do you do then? Point to you watch and say
'TIME'S UP?"

gradysfalcon · 08-13-2003, 08:10 PM

Veteran Humor

Indicators that the Veterans Administration has changed to a cheaper HMO:

1. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooter's.
2. Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
4. The only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
5. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
7. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges" is not a typographical error.
8. The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
9. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "M's" on them.
10. You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape!

gradysfalcon · 08-17-2003, 05:17 PM

10 Cool Things About Being A Man

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work ... more pay.

gradysfalcon · 08-18-2003, 09:08 PM

The Pill

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told the driver to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed."

gradysfalcon · 08-19-2003, 07:06 PM

The Bribe

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

gradysfalcon · 08-20-2003, 01:09 AM

T-Shirt Slogans

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder (thanks, Asher!).
4. I used to have a handle on life ... but it broke.
5. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
6. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
7. My dog can lick anyone.
8. Rehab is for quitters!
9. Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with the software.
10. Welcome to South Carolina -- Please set your watch back 20 years.

The Devil · 08-20-2003, 01:54 AM

Watch out for lady golfers

A woman was out golfing one day when
she hit her ball
into the woods. She went into the
woods to look for it
and found a frog in a trap. The frog
said to her, "If
you release me from this trap, I will
grant you three
wishes."

The woman freed the frog and then
the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention
that there was a
condition to your wishes. Whatever
you wish for, your
husband will get ten times more or
better!" The woman
said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most
beautiful woman in the world. The
frog warned her,
"You do realize that this wish will
also
make your husband the most handsome
man in the world,
an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman
replied, "That will be okay because I
will be the most
beautiful woman and he will only have
eyes for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful
woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be
the richest
woman in the world. The frog said,
"That will make
your husband the richest man in the
world, and he will
be ten times richer than you." The
woman said,
"That will be okay because what's
mine is his and
what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's
the richest woman
in the world!

The frog then inquired about her
third wish and she
answered, "I'd like a mild heart
attack."

Women are clever bitches. Don't mess
with them.

The Devil · 08-20-2003, 01:57 AM

>A blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
>She tells the salesman:
>"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."
>
> The surprised salesman replies:
> "But, madam, computers do not have curtains...."
>
> And the blonde said........
>
>
>
> (scroll down)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>" Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

kris · 08-21-2003, 12:43 AM

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course
owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in
being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course.
The experienced player will normally take time to admire the
entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or
are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners
have been know to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled,
particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous
players have been known to be come irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under
repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced
players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged;however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace. at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course.
Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the
rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

gradysfalcon · 08-21-2003, 07:19 PM

The Password

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him hewould need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use every time he logged on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in,"p..e..n..i..s". His wife fell off of her chair laughing when the computer replied: Password Rejected Not Long Enough

kris · 08-22-2003, 03:10 PM

JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at

his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive

bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his!

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the

woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She

looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.

Her note reads

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in

your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sent a note of

his own back to her His note reads:

"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850,

and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have over twenty five

million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

gradysfalcon · 08-23-2003, 06:16 AM

The 1-Cent Beer

A man walks into a pub one night and goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent," said the bartender.
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The bartender replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," the bartender says.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
"Same as what I'm doing to his business," the bartender answered.

The Devil · 08-23-2003, 10:17 AM

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches

> TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to

> hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a

> large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources

> manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour.

> Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our

> system will automatically

> e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to

> report on your first day."

>

> Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer

> nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand

> that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist.

> Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a

> high-tech firm. Good day."

>

> Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his

> wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb.

> crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy

> corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the

> tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more

> that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with

> several bags of groceries for his family.

>

> During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

> By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into

> the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week

> he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, and

> before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup

> truck.

>

> At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left

> their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife

> is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the

> community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the

> second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen

> previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work

> hard.

>

> Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice

> trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms

> that his sons manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of

> homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the

> business has grossed a million dollars.

>

> Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.

> Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit

> his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address

> in order to send the final documents electronically.

>

> When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer,

> and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned. "What, you

> don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would

> be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

>

> "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be

> sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."

>

> Which brings us to the moral of this story:

>

> Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a

> janitor than a millionaire.

>

> Sadly, I received this e-mail also.

gradysfalcon · 08-23-2003, 03:05 PM

The Hinge

Ole was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge so he sent Lena to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Lena saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was waiting for Sven to finish waiting on a customer.
When Sven finally waited on Lena she asked how much for the teapot?
"Dat is silver and it costs $100!", Sven replied.
"My goodness tas lotsa money!" Lena exclaimed.
She then proceeded to described the hinge that Ole had sent her to buy.
Sven went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom he yelled." Lena voud you vant a screw for dah hinge?"
"No, but I will for the teapot," Lena replied

gradysfalcon · 08-25-2003, 08:16 PM

The Tornado

A tornado hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning.

It lifted the roof off, picked up the bed, on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.

"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."