THIS IS THE OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD!!! ADD YOUR JOKES HERE

[Roxy]

Top Ten: Saddam Hussein's Romantic Tips

10. Splash on a little goat's blood.
9. Play romantic music to drown out the cries of tortured dissidents.

8. Shampoo and condition your mustache.

7. Don't be a cheapskate at the movies -- buy the large hummus!

6. Have a violinist brought over to your table and executed.

5. Show sensitive side by releasing her family from prison.

4. "Say it with toxic nerve agents"

3. Sit on porch swing and watch twinkling United State reconnaissance satellites.

2. Name a camel after her.

1. Ask if she wants to "inspect your biological weapon."

[The Devil]

The owner of a chemist shop walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against the wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over
there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to
get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave
him an entire pack of laxatives." The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't
treat a cough with a pack of laxatives!" The clerk replies, "Of course you
can! Look at him. He's too afraid to cough!"

[The Devil]

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire
fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but
if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but...then I wouldn't have a siren, duh!"

[Scott Landau]

Hassidic Golf

Three very pious Jews with beards and dressed in long black coats are playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wants to play golf, and this is the only threesome in which he can play. So he joins the Rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the 18 holes, his score is 104. The Rabbis shoot 69, 70,
and 72. So he says to the Rabbis, "How come you guys shoot such good golf? "The lead Rabbi answers, "When you lead a religious life and join and attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded."

Mulhaney, a true lover of golf, thinks,
"What have I got to lose?" So he finds a synagogue near his home, converts to Judaism, joins the synagogue,
regularly attends services, and leads a holy life.

About a year later, he again plays golf with the three Rabbis. He shoots a 104, and they shoot a 69, 70, and 71. So he says to them, "OK. I converted, joined a synagogue, live a religious life, and I still shoot a 104. What's the deal?"

"What synagogue did you join?" asks the lead Rabbi.

"Beth Shalom," Mulhaney answers.

The Rabbi retorts, "Schmuck, that synagogue is for tennis!"

[Roxy]

Darn Crazy Kids

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."

[kris]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbeque."


The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[kris]

A man and a woman are seated next to each other in First Class on a plane.

The woman sneezes, and then takes a tissue and gently wipes up under her skirt between her legs.

The man isn't sure he actually saw what he saw and decides he is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass.

The woman sneezes again, takes a tissue, and gently wipes between her legs.

The man is about to go nuts, he can't believe what he is seeing.

A few more minutes pass. When the woman sneezes yet again.

She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says "Three times you have sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs..

What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir.

I have a rare medical condition, such that when I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says "Black Pepper".

[Scott Landau]

BUTTERCUPS
> >
> > > >
> >
> > > > Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his
> >
> > > > ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow
> >
> > > > buttercups.
> >
> > > >
> >
> > > > Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just
> >
> > > > about Every buttercup in the patch.
> >
> > > >
> >
> > > > All of a sudden . . .POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little
> >
> > > > old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how
> >
> > > > long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't
> >
> > > > have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better
> >
> > > > still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your
> >
> > > > life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything
> >
> > > > the rest of your life!"
> >
> > > >
> >
> > > > THEN POOF!....she was gone.
> >
> > > >
> >
> > > > After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred.
> >
> > > > "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy
> >
> > > > willows." Dave yells back...... "DON'T SWING, FRED!!! For the love
> >
> > > > of God, DON'T SWING!!!"
> >

[The Devil]

A plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
the first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball
player. The Lakers need me, I can't afford to die.." So he took the first
parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said,
"I am the wife of the former President of the United States; I am the most
ambitious woman in the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential
future President and, above all, the smartest woman in the world." She
grabbed the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third
passenger, Rev. Billy Graham, says to the fourth passenger, a 10 year-old
school boy, "I am old and I don't have many years left. As a Christian I
will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The boy said, "It's ok,
there's still a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my school
backpack!"

[kris]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest

little
lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his
knees, so that he's on
her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white
wabbit or a thoft and
fuwwy
bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown
wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees,
leans
forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pet python weally gives
a thit."

[The Devil]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little boy said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young boy looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa "The dick goes underneath the horse not on top."

[Scott Landau]

Fenway

[Frank]

Tom entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
>balls
> * * * and sat down next to, of all people, a beautiful blonde. The blonde
>kept
> * * * looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after
>many
> * * * such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
>
> * * * Still, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully, and
>finally,
> * * * not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked: "Does it
>hurt
> * * * as much as tennis elbow?"

[kris]

Cowboy in a gay bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When
the
gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your
penis?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, All I want is a
drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me
the
name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan
'Just
Do It', That guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because
it
really 'Satisfies'."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him
a
second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left.
Who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man
looks
back and says with a smile "Timex," the thirsty cowboy asks, "Why
Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin! ' and keeps on
ticken!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
happen to
be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call
yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality
is
Job One'. Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY....'Like A Rock!" and
gives a wink.
Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and
exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'SECRET'.
Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asked,"Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A
MAN
BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !"

[Beammer]

Hilarious Signs

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

[Roxy]

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

[Frank]

On the morning of his execution the chaplain visited the prisoner.
They are going to allow you ten minutes of grace, he said.
The prisoner shrugged. That isn't very long, but what the hell.
Send her in.

[Axelp]

Farmer John has three sons. One day his oldest comes to him and pleads with
him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

His father says, "Son, come with me!" He takes him to the barn and points to
the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I
promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he understood and said, "Ok,Dad."

A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two
wheel bike. Well, he gets the same excuse "....as soon as the tractor is
paid for...."

Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol
dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole
thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over
and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself.

His dad says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do
anything to you to deserve that."

The little boy says "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that DAMN
TRACTOR IS PAID OFF!!!"

[kris]

IF OFFENDED EASILY PLEASE DO NOT READ!!!






Beer drinkers

An American, a Mexican and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having
a beer.

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the
air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "
In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from
the same glass twice."

The Iraqi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass
to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses
that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

The American, cool, as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks
it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots
the Mexican and the Iraqi and catches his glass. He says, "In
America we have so many Mexicans and Iraqis that we don't have to
drink with the same ones twice.