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Old 03-18-2002, 05:53 PM
Louis Cypher Louis Cypher is offline
Five Star General
Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 27,140


Welcome to Dumpsylvania. Population: Jeff Gordon.

This week, I will speak to you honestly and candidly, giving you the cold, hard truth on many aspects of NASCAR. If you get offended, then you're an idiot who knows absolutely nothing about NASCAR (or life for that matter). It would probably be best for you to just lock yourself in your basement, turn the light off, and never be heard from again. The world doesn't need you.


- Jeff Gordon led 170 laps today and seemed to be running away with the race. No matter how you look at it, until he hit Soup Boy, he was driving like he had alimony to pay. It's a shame he didn't win, though. It would have been interesting to see who he kissed in victory lane. My money was on Robbie Loomis.

- The saying says, "Behind every good man is a good woman." It makes one wonder if Shawna is a "good woman". If she is, then the NASCAR Winston Cup Series has forty-two good men. Quit whining about how "no one" wants you here. No one cares if you are there. The only reason they don't want you there is because you haven't earned your ride. You cannot be successful at the Winston Cup level if you don't race each week. Also, you cannot be successful if you don't push your car. It tells a person something when you drive around the track too slow for NASCAR, but somehow gain ten miles per hour without a pit stop. It's time to hand the steering wheel over to someone who actually makes an effort to be successful instead of talking about how. Mike Wallace is out of a ride right now. It should be the other way around.

- Each week's burning question: Which will happen first - Buckshot gets in a wreck or Shawna falls to last place?

- Is too much Playstation grounds for a marital misconduct divorce?

- Little Brookie doesn't want much. Just the Porsche, the Benz, the nine million dollar house, the airplane, the boat, the maids, the gardeners (I thought she pruned the hedges by herself) and the chef. Word is that "marital misconduct" is so vague that she could file for the divorce merely because Jeff's being a racecar driver puts an "emotional burden" on him. "Oh, but it's not about money," you whine. When Brooke married Jeff Gordon, he had already won the Brickyard 400. There's 600,000 bucks right there. The mustache was gone. She knew what Jeff did for a living and probably had a good idea of how long he'd be doing it. Expect this divorce to start to get nasty on one side. You'll never hear of anything that happened though. Jeff Gordon realizes how public this divorce will be. We don't know what Jeff Gordon is like in private, but we know what he is like in public. There is no way he is going to send accusations flying at Brooke. He would rather leave the world guessing than have them find out why Brooke wants to keep the gardener. It's all about the money and it's simple. If Brooke simply wanted a clean split and possession of the stuff she still uses, would she have had someone issue a statement to the press? No, if Jeff pays her, it gets it over with quick and there's no name calling.

- Word on the street is that Brooke saw a tape of Jeff holding hands with a blonde at Daytona.

- Those Viagra commercials where Mark Martin says, "Six? That's my number!" are quite suspicious. What happens when you take the whole six pack at once?

- NASCAR should start having drivers banning church and prayer services. They should also have tests of Christianity. If a driver is a Christian, he should have his license stripped permanently.

- I'm getting sick and tired of seeing all these charity cars on the track. Are we supposed to feel happy for you because you have "Habitat for Humanity" on your car? Charity is pointless. They'll end up spending it on booze anyway.

- Dodge and Ford should be banned from NASCAR because they are associated with foreign car manufacturers (Mercedes and Jaguar).

- Foreigners should be banned from NASCAR (including Canadians and Mexicans). You never know when one of them is going to show up at a track with a bucket of anthrax. They should be banned from NASCAR facilities for the same reason.

- The cooler ban is a good thing.

- Darrell Waltrip should have his mouth duct-taped. Darrell, we don't care! Go back to all your one-toothed friends in Franklin (that's right, I read the USA Today article). Just don't step on the hobos in your front yard.

- It's a shame that Sterling Marlin is leading the points.

- It's sad that the top two finishers at Darlington today can't make a coherent sentence.

- You know that drivers giving to charity is nothing but a PR tool.

- All NASCAR fans watch races for the mere purpose of seeing wrecks.

- There is no God.


Send me feedback at


Although the NASCAR columns bring in the most hits of any columns on this site, we're still pretty much treated like bottom feeders around here (except by Sean). It's funny when a guy (Jim Fitzgerald) can bring in almost half a million hits in a year, yet we sit around here with no respect. I'm not one to get into a pissing contest, but after Jim wrote his thoughts on the matter, nothing really changed except for one writer telling Jim how he was a "crybaby" (or something to that effect). This lack of respect and immaturity expressed by a few of the non-NASCAR writers is the main reason you don't see me around here in these parts anymore. Until NASCAR gets thrown into the Daily Sports Report, you will continue to see columns like the above from me I don't believe a thing I wrote. I believe the complete opposite of what I wrote (except the Viagra one, and Brooke - I don't hold the opinion of her that I wrote, but I think Jeff would rather settle out of court than get nasty). Perhaps it will give the other writers on this site a little bit of perspective. You don't understand what it is like to be far and away the largest draw (I'm speaking of the NASCAR crew - not me personally) on a website that still gives professional wrestling precedence. NASCAR news happens every day. Don't believe me? Check Jayski's NASCAR Silly Season Site.
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